Ceaseless Watcher

Today I went walking,
And realised I had been inside long enough
For mist to descend on the city
As I looked up at the lights in the tower blocks
Like great elevators ascending
Into nowhere.
I took myself to the beach.
I stood alone,
At the shore.
I stood there for long enough
To watch the mist creep up on me
From all sides.
I stood there alone,
Like I was at the centre of the universe
And the world bled out
From my feet.
I stood in the eye of a storm
As I would find out, when thunder broke.
I left the beach when I heard it,
The sea calling out to the moon:

I am sorry,
You are just too quiet.

I walked home,
The stones pink like membrane
Under my heel.
I went to the roof.
The bollards on the pavement stood like ghosts
As I smoked for the first time in days,
Looking down at the window that used to be mine,
The section of the car park I have not crossed in months.
I looked at it the way I looked at you,
The way I am always looking –
Ceaseless watcher,
Gazing and wondering if I will ever stop
Playing witness to my own life.
Letting things flit by
Unable to speak,
Turning up my open palms like a child,
Wishing I could be held
The way the moon holds the sea;
Without ever touching.